Saturday, April 16, 2011

A lot on my mind

Well its 11:30ish and I can't sleep. It's really not that late, but the hubby is fast asleep. He literally fell asleep within minutes of laying down. I don't think I have EVER done that. Sleep is an issue for me. I don't know why, but I think it might have something to do with anxiety. I tried once to write in a journal about all the things I was "worried" about right before bed so that hopefully it would help me clear them out of my head. Well it didn't work. So I don't know what's wrong with me, or maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't really feel tired, but I don't really feel like want to run a marathon. Maybe this will help me fall asleep.

Speaking of things to worry about... lets just name a few that are on my mind right now:

Are fastly approaching. I have one comprehensive math final at 7am a week from Monday and two 10-page papers due as well as a portfolio due in about a week. Awesome.

Buying a house:
Isn't this house cute?
Anthony and I are to the point where we are ready to start looking at houses. Seriously. Like go inside of them. AHHH. I am so excited, but also anxious.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. But really don't we all. This picture makes me laugh because the JCP is like all over customer service.

All of my friends, including my hubby just say, "I just need to not stress out." Ha. If only it were that simple I'd be asleep right now.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Marriage. What I think I have learned.

I suppose when I look back at this post in a few years or maybe even a few months I will lay my head back and laugh at how silly and naive I am, but for now this is what I have learned about marriage and Anthony.

Here is Anthony and I on our Wedding Day:
Seriously I wish I could relive this day. Capture more of the way we felt. I was seriously so stressed out that day. I was freaking nervous and not to mention we had to rush through the photography at the temple all because I had to be at the luncheon an hour after we got married (not my idea) and then at the reception my decorator was running late. I wish I could go back and pay attention to Anthony and I, not the things that don't matter.

My marriage is good, but it has had its struggles. Not yelling, fighting sort of struggles. Just struggles of getting to know the person you just married sort of struggles.

I have learned not to depend so much on Anthony. This is the biggest lesson I have learned. When I say this out loud it sort of sounds like a bad thing, but let me clarify. When we first got married a little over a year ago I depended on Anthony a lot. I don't mean like I was so dependent that I couldn't put gas in my car, or cook dinner, I mean I depended emotionally on him for everything. This is bad. Not good. This put a lot of stress on our marriage, I think. I would cry a lot at night and Anthony would sort of just stare at me because he didn't understand why I was crying and thing is I wasn't sure why I was crying either. I'm not sure if this was some sort of transition into marriage thing I was going through, or I was depressed or lonely or what, but seriously I would cry. Cry forever even. Like for hours until I finally cried myself to sleep. The thing is Anthony is a really really great guy and he does his best to be there for me emotionally, physically, whatever I need. But it is not fair for me to rely on him for all my emotional needs. Thats what friends are for. It is important to have friends because they can be there for you too. I have learned to spread myself out. Most of me still depends on Anthony because I think that is what it is supposed to be like, but now I have more friends and I depend on them emotionally too. One in particular stands out to me. She and I have a lot in common and it feels good to be able to relate to someone as much as I can to her. She understands part of me more than Anthony does. Which is ok. Because I talk to her about how I feel and then she tells me how she feels and we realize were sort of feeling the same things and so we resolve them together.

So now my marriage is much better because I am more independent of Anthony. (Is that a weird thing to say). I think this is a good thing. Because now instead of bringing all the bad all the time there is more good in our marriage. Anthony has gotten better too and listening to me and trying to understand my feelings. We enjoy each other more. We enjoy the little time we have together in the evening instead of me filling it with sadness.

Whoa. Sorry for all of the heavy stuff. But I hope you understand. Do you understand? Am I the only one who has ever felt this way before? I have no idea. I don't have really any friends who are newly young and married. I wish I did then maybe I'd have even more friends to relate too.

Anyways on to some more uplifting exciting things:

Marriage is full of everything. There is good and bad. But mostly good. For me anyways and that is how I know my marriage is good. haha. That sounds really repetitive, but I hope you know what I mean.

I have learned to be myself. It is the one place I can be myself all the time. Anthony knows me and he still loves me which is pretty great. Because I am one big case of emotional craziness, crying, weirdness, anxious, stressed out, procrastinator and I am sure he would say a bunch of other great qualities, but I'll just let you add to them yourself. :]

Now on to Anthony:

Here he is in case you forgot what he looked like:

He is pretty cute. I tell him that all the time and he just rolls his eyes.

Anthony is one of the most unselfish people I have ever known. He does a lot for me and his family and even my family. Did you know that I drive the mazda? aka HIS nice car and he drives MY crappy geo? He doesn't often get to do things for himself. Although he has been taking time to fish lately. Which I am glad for, he deserves it.

Anthony is weird and crazy and funny. Just like me. Thats why were so good together.

Anthony talks in his sleep and he snores, so now I have earplugs by the bed when he's having one of his rather noisier nights.

He is a really hard worker. He works about 50 or so hours a week only having one day off.

I am just realizing I already knew all this stuff about him before I married him, but I have been appreciating it more and more everyday I am married to him.

Well sorry for the long post.

Hope you learned something about me.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Yay! For a Good Husband!

I was having a really sort of crappy day the other day. You know those ones where you just feel like laying in bed all day and you feel really sorry for yourself? No? Well thats how I was feeling. I didn't have to work so essentially I could have laid around all day, but I needed to get some homework done. Although I didn't get much done feeling the way I felt. I was texting Anthony while he was at work telling him about my crappy day.

Now let me tell you something, Anthony is not really romantic. He never really has been. He is pretty good at expressing his feelings through writing, but even then I have to ask for a letter of some sort. I am alright with this. He seems to know when I need him to be a little bit more romantic.

So back to me saying I was telling Anthony about how my day just felt crappy and he was being sweet and saying he would make it better when he got home from work. So I get home early from school and just wait for him (he was out giving his Grandma a blessing) and he gets home and gives me a kiss and hands me these:

I was so excited. He has NEVER gotten me flowers just because. Only for Valentine's Day and that is it. I am pretty sure his Grandma told him to bring them to me from her house because I don't think he bought them, but I don't care. I was so happy and it totally turned my day around. It is nice to know that I have a husband who cares about me and knows what to do to make me happy.